Uriel

So this last May I had a miscarriage. Not uncommon I hear. My gyn told me about 33% of women will have a miscarriage at some point. It seems to be true. Once it happened to me women were coming out of the woodwork telling me their stories. It helped. Some.

What's weird, I think, is that so many people asked me if I already had children and when I said yes, seemed to dismiss this child as nothing. As if the child I already had could take the place of the child I lost. They seemed to think it lessened the loss because I already had one child to take care of. They were wrong. It's been 6 months and I still can't talk about him without crying. My precious little baby that I never got to hold. And when people find out I was very early in the pregnancy, well, they dismiss him even more. I hear platitudes like, "It was probably for the best. He probably had something seriously wrong with him". So what? What if there was something seriously wrong with him? Would I have loved him less because of that? Probably more, because if he had some life threatening problem I would know that I only had him for a short time here and to make the most of it. It would have been a challenge. And perhaps not one I am up to. God only gives us what He knows we can handle and maybe I coudn't handle a child with severe difficulties. I don't know. It helps that my mom had a dream about my dad [he died in 2006] holding a baby. Maybe it was Uriel. I like to think of them in Heaven together. My dad loved being a Grandpa and I mourned the fact that Gman didn't really get to spend any time with him. I like to think that my dad and Uriel are sitting in Heaven together reading stories and Grandpa is telling Uriel all about his parents and brother and sisters and how much they loved him, even if they never got to met him in person.

I love you, Uriel. I hope to someday meet you face to face, hold you in my arms and smell your baby smell, feel you sleep on my shoulder, feel your little heart beat. All the joys of being your mother that I dream about. Pray for us, that one day your whole family can be with you in Heaven.